11 Surprises After Three Years As A Stay At Home Mom

Being home with the kids is so much more than I ever thought – both beautiful and ugly. After three years, these are the 11 surprises I have had as a stay at home mom with three young children.

On May 25, 2019 I left teaching to be a stay at home mom.

I had spent the entire school year debating if being home with our then two young kids was what I wanted to do. When I walked out of the school building for the last time after 11 years as a teacher, I was more excited than nervous. 

Zoey was 2, William was 11 months, and I was 3 months pregnant with Hazel on that final day.

Over the past three years, there has been so much learning, so much laughter, and so much frustration. These are my 11 surprises as a stay at home mom. 

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There is so much more to it than just being with the kids 

It has taken me three years to comfortably say that I am a stay at home mom. Not only is it my own hangup with the title, but there is so much more to what I do every day apart from keeping the kids alive. 

Rob’s coworker in Colorado called his wife the Household Engineer and it has stuck.

Not only is the stay at home mom role to keep the kids alive, but it is also to meet the needs of each individual child, schedule activities, keep up with school needs, plan meals, shop for family needs (clothes, groceries, etc), tidy the home, keep up with doctors, plan family time, and create the holiday/birthday  magic.

Generally anything that requires child and interior household management is my job. At night when I am sitting at my computer to plan the next activity, read the school emails, or schedule an appointment, I often joke that just managing the kids is a full time job.

You are allowed to enjoy it

A huge surprise as a stay at home mom was how much complaining there is in the mom-sphere about how hard it is. 

This is absolutely true. Mothering, and everything that comes with it, can be extremely difficult. That being said, you are allowed to love it. 

You are allowed to love being with your kids, playing with your kids, talking with your kids, doing things for your kids.

You are allowed to spend 10 hours making a busy book they will never play with or researching for 45 minutes to find the perfect place for dance classes.

You are allowed to so fully engage in playing pirates with them on the playground that you lose track of time. 

You don’t have to complain that it is hard. You don’t have to be constantly seeking a break from your kids.

However you want to enjoy your time with your babies, make it work for you. Bring the joy of being mom back to it all.

You can’t do it all

I am never one to admit this. 

I am determined to do pretty much everything without asking for a lick of help with any of it. 

However, you simply can’t do it all. For me, this was a big surprise as a stay at home mom. That I couldn’t accomplish it all with all the “time” I now had at home.

You need to ask for help in some small ways. Rob and I operate under the phrase, “See a need, fill a need.” 

What that looks like over here: 

• Some weekends, it is all hands on deck to clean the whole house for a couple hours when I was too busy to get it done during the week. 
• Rob and I take turns making meals, cleaning up meals, and doing/folding laundry. If you walk by the wash, you switch it over or bring it up. 
• Divide and conquer at bedtime. Even William might be crying for me to tuck him in, I don’t do a full tuck in with each child. That would take entirely too long. 
• We are always talking about how to best support the kids. It is not just me making all the discipline, schedule, and behavior decisions. Rob gets a say in it all too and we both work together to carry it out. 
• I get some daytime work hours when I have an upcoming ebook, a new printable, a challenge starting, or sponsorship on deadline.

Even though these items may seem small and to fall into the stay at home mom job category, it just would not all get done without us both pitching in. Talking about what you need is key so you are both on the same page.

You are always researching activities

When I was first envisioning being a stay at home mom, I had these flowery daydreams of playing puzzles on the floor together and spending summer days at the beach or the park. 

While these activities definitely happen, I am also always researching activities to do with the kids. Puzzles on the living room floor only entertain them for so long. 

I am constantly seeking playdates, activities around town, crafts that don’t make me crazy, storytime schedules, and other entertainment for the kids. It really could be a full time job just to find ways to entertain them outside of the house (and without spending an arm and a leg).

You will need to do something for you

Whenever Rob asks what I want for my birthday or Christmas, my first responses are always items I want for the kids: updated craft supplies, a membership to the zoo, artwork for their walls. It takes me a few minutes (or days) to figure out what I would like as a person. 

That is one key to making stay at home mom life work for you without going a bit crazy. You need to find something you can do that is just for you, not for the kids. That could be diving into reading more, finding some type of flexible work (heyyyy blogging!), spending intentional time with friends, crafting, sewing, etc. 

Whatever makes you happy and gives you something to think about outside of just what the kids and household need, do it. 

I have a few things I do for me: 

• Run – I like to run a lot. 
• Blog 
• Make printables 
• Vegetable garden

The kids can be in tow 

I spent the whole first year and a half of being home trying to get everything  that wasn’t directly playing with the kids done while they were asleep. 

This meant that they went down for naps and I was frantically cleaning, folding laundry, and preparing parts of upcoming meals. 

Anything I wanted to do that was not an engaged game or kid-focused activity had to happen when they were otherwise entertained or not present. 

This was not sustainable, but it was a hard shift. Now, I do all these things with the kids in tow. They grab dusters, paper towels, and cleaning spray (the older ones), and get to work with me. 

There are even shifts happening in my work so everything is not so computer focused, but the kids can be around for. That includes our racing company, Athena Clydesdale Racing, the Healthy Kids Running Series we direct in our town, and some other dreamy work ideas.

This is a continued surprise as a stay at home mom and I am constantly working to find ways to have the kids in tow with me no matter what I am doing. 

You can take a break

If I wasn’t running to do things around the house while the kids slept, it felt like I wasn’t doing my job. If I wasn’t 100% engaged in play with them all day, I was doing it wrong. If I wasn’t with them just about every minute, then what was my point? 

Do not do this.

You are allowed to take a break. You can sit and watch a show for 30 minutes when they go up to naps. You can leave the house without them (as someone else keeps an eye on them of course) for a few hours every week. You can take a date night every few months. 

I highly recommend you work these “breaks” into your stay at home mom life schedule. Your sanity will thank you and your kids will actually love having another adult about for a little while.

Even if it is just solo grocery shopping, take the time away.

Your parenting can change 

We all have dreams of the parents we want to be. Then our kids arrive. 

You can hold onto that dream, but know that your parenting style will change. It will change with each additional kid, with each kid as a person, and with whatever parenting research you do. 

It should change! 

I had these daydreams that being home would be puzzles on the floor every evening and fun activities during the days, and it can be, but I am constantly reflecting on how I handled various situations, making a game plan to handle it better the next time, and researching ways to best support all three kids in their individual needs and styles. 

Just as your kids are growing and evolving as tiny humans, you are growing and evolving as a human and a parent too. It is never too late to try something different with them, or for yourself, to make your schedule, mood, and parenting the way you want it to be.

You will learn more about who are than with anything else

Nothing has tested my character and my patience more than being a parent. Granted, I had three kids ages 3.5 and under, but man if the last few years have not been a grand experiment in pushing buttons and boundaries, I don’t know what is. 

As we were walking Zoey to school on her last day of Kindergarten, I remarked at how you really learn who you are when you have kids. Rob accurately said, “You also learn your breaking point.”

It is going to feel like work to be more patient and understanding than you have ever been in your entire life, but you will come out of this time as a stay at home mom knowing, strongly and deeply, who you are and how you handle yourself in everything from a crisis to a calm moment.

There is a mid-stay-at-home-mom-ife crisis that happens 

For the past month, I have been joking with my friends that I am in the middle of my mid-stay-at-home-mom-ife crisis. I have been home full time for that past 3 years and Hazel will start full day kindergarten in 3 years. 

This is the midpoint of this job I had been pining after for a full year before I got to do it. This midpoint has me terrified. 

• Am I doing the best job I can? 
• Are these the memories I want to have of this time?
• Is this how I want to feel through this?
• Is this how I want the kids to feel through this? 
• Are the kids feeling loved and supported all of the time?
• What am I going to do once all 3 kids are in school?
• How can I still be available to them as they get older?

So many questions and worries are zipping through me right now as I reach the middle of this time. All I can do is answer them the best I can, make adjustments as I see fit, and continue to invest these next three years being as present as I can.

Your kids want to spend this time with you too 

It doesn’t matter if you are home full time, or you work “outside” of the home full time, your kids want to be with you as much as possible. They look forward to the engaged time with you, to being your little shadow, to emulating your every move. 

In the moments that are hard, remember that your kids want to spend this time with you just as you are wanting to spend time with them. Embrace that as you can and roll with having little shadows you get to spend your days with. 

I am looking forward to what other lessons and surprises will come my way as a stay at home mom for the next three years. In those three years, we will be going through having two toddlers, navigating three school-aged kids, and dropping all naps. It is sure to be a few years with lots to learn.